Let’s get something straight, right off the bat: Bioshock Infinite was fantastic. Like, one of the best games ever made. Like, if I didn’t have to carefully manage my budget every week (which I constantly fail to do) I’d probably still have my copy, and would’ve bought the Season Pass, and would have played all the DLC to death. I fucking loved that game. I like to kill things! I like well written stories! I like Troy Baker, and I didn’t even realise it was his voice! I like to kill things! (Did I say that already?) I like exploring worlds when there’s really no point, going into side streets that can’t be gone into, looking at walls where there’s nothing to look at. I scoured almost every inch of whatever the fuck the place in Infinite was called (I DON’T PAY ATTENTION I HAD THINGS TO KILL) just because I wanted to walk into every building and just breathe it all in. Bioshock Infinite is a magnificent game.
Which is why I will now stop talking about it.
This blog post will not celebrate the magnificent games, even if they didn’t get much coverage already. The Stanley Parable is one of the funniest experiences you will ever have (if you play a lot of games); we will not be talking about it. Gone Home was wonderful; we will not be talking about it. I regularly forget Antichamber came out this year; we will DEFINITELY not be talking about it. We won’t talk about Tomb Raider (cos it was shit). We won’t talk about GTAV (cos it was dull as ditchwater). We won’t talk about Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon (cos fuck that game).
This blog post is for my top five games that no other fucker is even going to bother mentioning. The games that were magnificent in some way, but not enough to make a splash in the world. Either people outright ignored them, or the general populus just couldn’t give a damn. They are not unsung heroes, they are simply games that people thought were a bit “meh” and moved on. Unless you’re me. Cos I probably fucking loved it.
5. God Mode
“Huh?” I hear the two of you cry. Yes! God Mode! An arena run and gun set in Hades that sees you shooting at least three hundred enemies in each of its twenty minute games. Quietly released on XBLA (and probably PSN, I dunno, fuck doing research) and then quietly discounted as a Deal Of The Week, God Mode has recieved basically no attention whatsoever from anyone. And why should it? It’s a dumb shooter in the company of a million other dumb shooters that do the exact same thing only a bit better.
It attempts humour and then gives up when it realises it isn’t funny. It attempts to do interesting things with the shooter genre, but instead just occasionally puts top hats on skeletons heads or fucks with the sound just to mess with you. It also hates you. It throws far too many enemies at you at once, and expects you to kill them all while some random effect fucks with your game, i.e. bombs dropping from the sky or your ammo draining constantly. Then it laughs at you dying. Then you lose the game.
It’s a multiplayer game that no one plays. You can play it single-player but it’s supposed to be played with four people, otherwise you’re likely to die even faster. It has effects applied in game to allow you to kill your friends, but when you’ve got no friends who even know about the game’s existence, then it ends up being completely pointless.
In short, it’s brilliant.
I can only complete two of the six levels by myself, and that’s on the easiest difficulty. But I have replayed those levels again and again and again. I will happily sit down and play a few matches alone, blasting through endless waves of the undead, ranging from skeletons to minotaurs to fucking giant ogres that will destroy you in two hits. I play it over and over because my God, it is so much fucking fun. You’re always on the verge of death. You’re always running out of ammo. But you’re always enjoying yourself. There are so few games that I will play over and over, so this one has a very special place in my heart sheerly because of how many hours I’ve put into it. If you’re looking to murder hundreds of monsters rapidly and with them wearing top hats sometimes because why not, buy God Mode. It is wonderfully poor.
4. Scribblenauts Unlimited (PC)
There’s a reason I have restarted Scribblenauts Unlimited twice. That reason is because I moved from using my PC to exclusively using my laptop. I have no regrets. My laptop is way better than my PC. Like it has so much more hard drive space. The graphics card is comparably a piece of shit, but oh well. You’ve gotta make some sacrifices. Anyway my PC is now completely borked after my Dad took it as his own and apparently the motherboard is fried or something. Glad I wiped all my porn off there before he took it, lemme tell ya. Sheesh.
Wait, sorry, sidetracked.
Scribblenauts Unlimited lets you summon objects into a world to fuck with people. Sorry, help them. Well actually it depends on how you like to play it, and sometimes you really just need to summon a tiny Cthulu and watch him wreak havoc while you shotgun a doctor who’s just been turned pink. Sometimes you have to summon a bunch of scary clowns to start a band on the underground. Sometimes you have to try turning a basketball player black so he can dunk. White men can’t jump. I know this. I watched that film. Scribblenauts Unlimited doesn’t seem to like that though. He has to be big AND black (OK so he only has to be big, but whatever).
You can create a creature and call it Penis. Because why not. No one’s stopping you. It’s Scribblenauts.
Fucking buy it. It’s amazing.
3. Call of Juarez: Gunslinger
WHY DID NO ONE TALK ABOUT THIS GAME?? IT’S SO GOOD!!!
Call of Juarez has a reputation for being an intensely dodgy series of shooters that only idiots like me really enjoy (that said I only played Bound in Blood but I seem to be the only person who enjoyed the hell out of it), and after the catastrophe that was The Cartel no one really gives a shit about new entries to the franchise. It should be dead. This shouldn’t have had the Call of Juarez name attached to it. But it did. So we don’t talk about it.
But here’s the thing: it has an unreliable narrator, which is awesome because you so seldom get those in games. The gameplay is dictated by the story of an old man who is boasting to a group of strangers about how many people he killed. Most of what happens in the game is explicitly called out as bullshit by the guy narrating the fucking game. There’s a bit where you stop killing people and lose your guns and just walk up a hill in brilliant sunshine while the narrator sings a song. This follows a bit where the narrator claims he killed like, a hundred Indians, which summons about a hundred Indians for you to kill. The narrator says he was running low on ammo; suddenly your ammo drops massively. It’s beautiful.
You don’t bleed, instead holes appear in the screen when you’re shot to signify the holes appearing in his story (because why would he die in a story about his own life). Who even thinks of that shit? And then you start killing ghosts. And there’s a moral choice to make, but it makes no fucking difference because it’s the last thing you do in the whole game.
Also it has an arcade mode which is tough as nails and requires multiple plays to get so much as an OK score. It’s fantastic. Why are you not playing it right now.
2. Remember Me
Here’s a list of things Remember Me isn’t:
- A good fighting game with a deep combat system
- A well-scripted story with tons of interesting characters who drive the narrative in unique ways
- A particularly good platformer
Here’s what Remember Me is: fucking amazing.
I gave it a 7/10 because it’s good, but not great, as a game. Yeah? Well fuck that score. Remember Me is one of the few games I played this year that I had to put the controller down and have a good long hard think about my life after about half an hour’s playtime. You do some horrific things to people to further your own goals, and it is fucking rough. You ruin people’s lives just so you can get to the next level. You convince a woman that her husband has died a horrific death in front of her very eyes. You convince a man to kill himself because he believes he killed his wife. You do this by fucking with their heads and messing with their memories. And no one questions this. You just move on with your life.
Switch the game into French with English subtitles and wander round Neo-Paris a bit. It’s amazing. You’ll hear people chatting at cafes in their native language, making the scene even more believeable than ever. Why don’t games let you switch languages on the fly more often? Particularly when they’re set in foreign countries? Why would everyone in Neo-Paris have an American accent anyway? Fuck that. Listen to them in French. Listen to giant robots be threatening in French. Listen to adverts for teddy bears in French. Then tell me you prefer the English dub and say it so I believe you.
I disliked a few core things about Remember Me, but my word it will stick with me for a very long time. Don’t dismiss it. Buy it. Now. Go! GO!
1. Rayman Legends
IS THIS GAME NOT SELLING MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS OF COPIES.
Rayman Origins was the absolute bomb, and then they said they were making a sequel, and I was like hell yeah, and then they actually released it, and I was like get in, and then I gave it a 9 out of 10 because I have no friends so I couldn’t play it multiplayer like it should be.
But it’s so so so good.
I shouldn’t need to tell you why. And I’m fucking lazy. So fuck this.
Buy Rayman Legends
BUY ALL THE GAMES ON THIS LIST
STOP PISSING YOUR LIFE AWAY ON NOT BUYING THESE GAMES
WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU