If the title of this blog post has already got you feeling a little uncomfortable, you may want to stop reading now. I won’t be offended. It’s OK. Google “fluffy kittens” instead.
NOTE: I am a complete newbie in the world of kink, impact play, and just generally that kind of stuff. If I use the wrong terminology (like “that kind of stuff”) or say something problematic (I will try and refrain from using the word “weird”) then please forgive and/or inform me so I can be more accurate/correct in future. I don’t mean to offend or upset, I am just ill-equipped for this task.
Causing physical harm to someone has never been an appealing prospect. I have been in one fight in my life, which I instigated, and consequently lost. Most times I get into fights with people, I curl up into a ball and plead with them to stop hurting me. I don’t like pain. And I don’t hugely like the idea of inflicting pain on other people. Even if they ask me too. Which is happening with alarming frequency.
I’m not sure what about me strikes people with the idea that I would want to hurt them. Sometimes I think it might be my eyebrows. My face looks permanently pissed off, so maybe it’s that. There’s a rumour circulating that I once drunkenly barged my way into a girl’s room and threatened her (what exactly I threatened her with is a mystery) because she had broken my heart. Although apparently I also threatened to kill myself over webcam for the same reason. I don’t really know why people would believe these stories. I’m a sweet kid really.
When I saw Consensual Torture Simulator I was immediately intrigued and thought that spending $2 to satisfy that curiosity was probably a good idea. I’m not sure if the people who monitor my online traffic will think so. I haven’t received any emails from the university about it so far, but there’s always that worry, you know? So anyway I bought it. And then I played it. And then I had to sit quietly for five minutes and try to understand what had just happened and decide if I was OK with it or not.
Consensual Torture Simulator is a Twine game made by Merrit Kopas. In it, you are tasked with physically harming your partner until she cries, and then I assume you can probably keep pushing it and break the trust she has in you. I don’t really know, I didn’t experiment that far. You have three tools at your disposal; your hands, flogger and cane, and you can choose to take a break to catch your breath or just stop completely. You can, in theory, stop before you even start. But then that would completely defeat the purpose of the game.
You’re hurting your partner because she wants you to. You never have sex with her at any point, in any form. This is all about the pain, which, I’m guessing, is being done for sexual pleasure. And as the game informs you, causing someone to cry real actual tears from pain inflicted on them is a big deal. There’s a lot of trust there, like that you won’t go further to the point where it stops being fun. I can understand that. That seems fair.
I’m still not wholly comfortable with the idea of hurting people for pleasure, however. I’m sure the game wasn’t supposed to change my mind on that front, and is instead there to open people’s eyes to the idea that pain in video games can be inflicted for the recipient’s pleasure, not just as a means to an end or because you want to kill them. So on that front it’s a raving success; the writing is fantastic and (for someone not used to or particularly interested in kink) kind of arousing. Which was a strange one to take on board.
A few hours after playing Consensual Torture Simulator a girl I’ve been seeing sent me a text telling me that she couldn’t stop thinking about me hurting her, so I invited her over to play the game. She’s far more used to that whole area of sex, so I thought it’d be interesting to see her thoughts. I don’t think she quite grasped that you could repeat actions several times to amp up the pain, and she stopped before making her partner cry.
And then she threw a shoe at me in the hopes I would slap her in return. Which just didn’t seem fair.
I don’t really know what I thought about Consensual Torture Simulator. I’m still trying to piece together my thoughts now, hence the rather rambly blog post.
I think it left me upset and confused because it’s not something I particularly want to do. I don’t like hurting people. I have years of repressed anger and hate that I pushed away because its useless to me, and I fear that if I was given the opportunity to let it all go then I might go too far and do serious damage. I guess that’s what safewords are for.
I think I was conflicted because, well, suddenly I wanted to hurt someone for pleasure, and that’s an incredibly unusual feeling for someone who has never desired harm on anyone before. But the game made it sound like fun, and if the partner was willing and everything was agreed upon beforehand so that nothing got too out of hand, then surely that’s OK?
I put my hands around my ex’s throat once as a joke (only lightly, I didn’t squeeze and she was never at any point in danger), and she screamed and told me to never ever do that again. So I guess maybe that memory still resides deep in my mind, telling me not to hurt women I like.
There’s probably some darker stuff from my childhood holding me back as well, but I don’t really think that a blog that can be read by anyone on the Internet is the best place to discuss that, particularly if my parents find this.
My worldview and ideologies have changed a lot over the past few months. I think I’ve changed quite a lot as a person too. Consensual Torture Simulator acted as a reminder that a lot of things that I considered “weird” and “icky” before are actually, you know, perfectly acceptable. It’s not domestic violence, it’s consensual violence. People use the word “play” to associate with what they’re doing. I don’t think I like the word “play” in this context, but equally my linguistics brain says that it’s fine, people can use words how they like, don’t diss. So I’m trying to keep an open mind about that. It’s hard work, and it’s very confusing and scary, but I am trying.
In terms of being a game, Consensual Torture Simulator is very good. It’s well written and paced, there’s enough options available to keep things interesting, and there’s multiple endings to achieve based on how much pain you inflict. So mad props for that.
In terms of opening my eyes to kink and impact play, I still feel a little strange about the whole thing. I don’t know if it’s something I really want to explore in any great depth, but I do know now that it’s OK, so long as everyone knows what’s going on and everyone’s agreed that it’s fine. You can’t just suddenly start beating your partner during sex, for example. Which may seem obvious, I dunno? But set guidelines beforehand and it’s cool. OK. I think I can handle that.
Anyway you really should check it out. It’ll give you some food for thought, or turn you on, or maybe it might just gross you out. But any game that can inflict numerous different feelings to numerous different people is surely deserving of attention.
You can buy Consensual Torture Simulator here: https://gumroad.com/l/consensualtorturesimulator