(Scott’s bedroom. Scott is lying on his bed reading a magazine. You can tell this because A MAGAZINE is written on the front of it. I don’t wanna get sued.)
SCOTT: (to himself) Oh those horny girls, they should really learn some patience…
(Kaede enters the room.)
KAEDE: Hey, Scott…-
SCOTT: (interrupting) THE WOMEN IN THIS MAGAZINE ARE VERY RESPECTABLE!
SCOTT: I mean, hey, Kaede.
KAEDE: Uh, hey. Reading anything good there?
SCOTT: Oh, this? (looking at the mag) I… I read it for the articles!
KAEDE: Oh? Anything of note?
KAEDE: (laughing) I’m just screwing with ya. I have a stack of those things at home.
SCOTT: (bemused) And you… read them?
KAEDE: Oh yeah, all the time! I take them to bed with me most nights.
SCOTT: (looking between the mag and Kaede) So, uh, are you, like, uh…
KAEDE: What? (laughing) Oh, God no. No. Seriously? What made you even think that?
SCOTT: Well, uh, the Captain may have suggested it-
KAEDE: The Captain? Jeez. She told me you were gay.
KAEDE: Oh yeah. I didn’t believe her though. Still don’t, by the way.
SCOTT: Oh thank God.
KAEDE: Heh. You know, you’re kinda cute Scott.
(Scott blushes, and Kaede giggles a little.)
KAEDE: Aw, you’re adorable!
SCOTT: Please! At least let me try to be manly!
KAEDE: (giggles) Sorry. I just… I dunno. I guess I’m really attracted to the cute guys.
SCOTT: Well, I guess it’s finally working in my… wait, what?
(Kaede moves in extremely close to Scott.)
KAEDE: I’ve seen you looking at me Scott. I know you’re interested in me. And if you don’t mind me being too forward, I’m very, VERY interested in you.
(Scott is now backed up against the wall, looked really freaked out. Kaede is slightly aggressively pushing herself up against him. It’s really, REALLY awkward.)
KAEDE: So, whaddya say? Ready to put your money where your mouth is?
SCOTT: (fumbling) I- uh- forgot my- uh- my- my- wallet…
KAEDE: How about I go ahead and help you out of your clothes?
SCOTT: Uh- yeah- that- uh- that would be- uh- nice (she starts to unbutton his pants) it- uh- sure is getting- uh- hot- in space…
KAEDE: Well, what do we have here? Looks like a… a p- pe- (screamed) PENIS!
(comic dust cloud as Kaede runs away and locks herself in his bathroom. Scott, still in shock, buttons up his pants.)
SCOTT: Are… are you ok?
KAEDE: (angrily) FINE. I’M FINE. AREN’T YOU FINE?
SCOTT: What the hell was that just then?
KAEDE: IT’S NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. COULD YOU LEAVE?
SCOTT: Whoah, this is my room.
KAEDE: I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT!
SCOTT: Fine, jeez.
(Scott gets the fuck out. The camera is facing a wall and Scott walks to the right, off screen.)
CLAIRE: (off screen) Scott! Captain’s quarters, now!
(Scott returns from off-screen and walks back the other way. He arrives in the captains quarters. Claire is sat at a desk.)
CLAIRE: Did Kaede just come on to you and attempt to take your pants off?
SCOTT: No! Not at all! We were, er, playing Twister!
CLAIRE: Then how come she ran screaming when she encountered your penis?
SCOTT: HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS?!
CLAIRE: I have camera’s in every room. Did you not know?
(Scott shakes his head, then bury’s it in his hands and mutters obscenities to himself.)
CLAIRE: Hey, listen, don’t worry about it. I knew this was gonna happen. I had a bet with Kaede.
CLAIRE: Yeah. I read her psych profile and heard about her phallophobia.
SCOTT: Phallo what now?
CLAIRE: Fear of penises.
CLAIRE: I bet her a thousand space dollars she couldn’t have sex with you without freaking out. Guess that makes me rich now.
SCOTT: Jesus, am I just amusement to you?
CLAIRE: What do you mean?
SCOTT: Oh, just everyone on this fucking ship lays into me all the fucking time! The only guy who doesn’t treat me like shit is Dave, and he’s probably too high to notice anything going on! All I did was one mistake, one TINY fucking mistake, and suddenly I’M the bad guy!
CLAIRE: I don’t hate you. I just wanted some money.
SCOTT: Oh, just- fuckin’- UGH.
CLAIRE: Come on, let’s get to the meeting room. It’s time for briefing.
SCOTT: What now? Space samurai?
CLAIRE: Worse. Space ninjas.