Fake PR – Signposted Disaster Announces Side Project

26th July 2010

Legendary singer/songwriter Richard Cowley, a.k.a Signposted Disaster, has announced he will be launching a musical side project. The project is currently unnamed, but will be a step in a new direction for the “band” – shoegaze.

Cowley has stated, “It’s an exciting time for me. I’ve been wanting to try and break free of my comedy chains and do something more meaningful with my music. The music I’m making will be from my heart and soul, not just stupid pop culture references and lame sex jokes.”

While no firm details are in place, it has been suggested that the project will go for a more “minimal” approach. “I want to be able to express myself without overloading the listener. At the minute I’m focused on making this purely solo, with vocals, guitar and bass.”

Fans of Signposted Disaster may recognise this set up from the “band’s” debut album ‘Try Everything Once’, which was launched three days ago on the 23rd of July, 2010. “‘Maybe’ was definitely a step in that direction, and there was a positive reaction to that song. It even got listened to by people I don’t know because they searched ‘shoegaze’ in BandCamp. I mean, that’s what the stats say anyway. I don’t know for sure.”

Cowley has stated that the project is “purely economical: I want to try and make a shit-ton of cash and be famous before I hit 18. Shoegaze is making a revival, and I’m gonna cash in on it. It’s either that or comedy hip-hop.”

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YATDSS – Mission 5 (I’m Black, And I’m Proud)

(Gayme screen)

KAEDE: Alright guys, keep your eyes open, and watch out for black space.

PETER: I’m surrounded by it, ya fuckin’ moron.

SCOTT: Isn’t that the Captain’s line, anyway?

CLAIRE: (sleepily) Huh? Wha? I’m busy sleeping. Kaede, you be in charge.

SCOTT: What the fuck?!

KAEDE: Shut up, Scott. I’m in charge now.

(a short pause, then Scott’s ship spazzes out in an electrical manner)

SCOTT: Ok, seriously, what now?

PETER: Shit, they got me too.

KAEDE: Oh yeah, I may have neglected to mention, they can short out your guns.

PETER: Well thanks for the fuckin’ heads-up.

KAEDE: It’s not too bad Peter, it just means you can’t go crazy with your lasers if you’re planning on shooting. They’ll overheat, and then you’re dead in the water until they recharge.

(enemies start firing at Scott)

SCOTT: Shit, I can barely see where they’re coming from!

KAEDE: Well I TOLD you they were deadly.

SCOTT: I thought you were just being dramatic!

SONIA, THE SPACE PIRATE LEADER: Who dares enter the lair of the space pirates?

KAEDE: Sonia! I am Kaede Chou, and I have come seeking vengeance for my fathers death at your hand!

SONIA: Ah! The young lady Chou has finally returned, and it seems she’s brought friends this time!

PETER: I’m not her fuckin’ friend.

SCOTT: Oh hey, nice to meetcha. So, you killed Kaede’s dad?

SONIA: It was 2028…

SCOTT: OK, yeah, we got that part.

SONIA: You cannot defeat my army of space ninjas! We have trained many years to prepare for your defeat, and we shall not surrender!

PETER: Listen sweetcheeks, we’re just passin’ through, so how about you just fuck off outta my way?

KAEDE: That’s it Peter, keep insulting her, it will make killing her ever so much more sweeter!

SCOTT: OK, this is starting to sound more like a fucking anime by the minute.

KAEDE: RACIST!

PETER: Shit man, that’s my job!

SCOTT: What? No! I wasn’t saying because you’re both Japenese-

SONIA: I’ll have you know that anime can have some excellent storytelling, along with fantastic artwork and voiceacting!

PETER: Is that like those faggy shows my kids watch?

(SONIA and KAEDE together): NO!

SONIA: It is nothing like Fighting Things!

PETER: Really? Cos it sounds like you’re just talking about cartoons.

KAEDE: Peter, I can’t believe you’re being so disrespectful towards what is an essential part of our culture!

PETER: I make fun of the black guy, don’t I?

DWAYNE: I have a name ya know! Stupid cracker…

SCOTT: Dwayne? Man, I haven’t seen you in a while. Where’ve you been?

DWAYNE: I’ve been working on something special. I’ll show you after the mission.

(Sonia’s ship flies into view. It’s shaped like a giant shuriken.)

SCOTT: Speaking of which…

SONIA: I don’t know who you are, but I-

SCOTT: I’m with you?

SONIA: What?

SCOTT: Gotcha!

(after the boss battle)

SONIA: You have bested me in battle. Please, allow a ninja to die gracefully.

(kill her)

SONIA: Ah, father, how nice it will be to see you again… (ship explodes)

KAEDE: Well that was nowhere near satisfying enough…

(let her go)

SONIA: Such kindness… it will not go unnoticed. You have my thanks, gaijin.

KAEDE: SCOTT! What the fuck?!

(either way)

CLAIRE: Oh, is it over? Great. Everyone come home. Well done.

-END SCENE-

Barbara – We Are Scientists

Sound – After the unconventional shift of tone from their straight-up indie rock first album, “With Love And Squalor”, to a more pop-based, almost dance sound for “Brain Thrust Mastery”, it seems that We Are Scientists are trying to blend their efforts into one magical genre. And it works – sort of. The guitars and drums are turned up, loud and slightly distorted, but there’s still a focus on making music accessible to anyone with their upbeat pop base. Both single tracks, “Rules Don’t Stop” and “Nice Guys” carry this off, but shortly after the latter track, things take a turn for the ploddy and slightly boring. The upbeat tempo is left behind, and we’re treated to what can easily be written off as background music (particular lowlights include “Pittsburgh”, which just leaves you feeling drained and depressed). Thankfully, it all kicks back into gear with the final track, but then it’s all over too soon – “Central AC” is woefully short, but well worth plenty of listens, just for it’s fantastic guitar work and fast-pace. //6

Lyrics And Singing – We Are Scientists are known for their interesting lyrics, and Barbara certainly isn’t any different. There’s some sobering thoughts hidden in upbeat happiness, such as “Nice Guys” (Nice guys finish last anyway/So why even bother?) and “I Don’t Bite” (I don’t bite/But you can’t believe it), but there isn’t any true stand-out lines that’ll stick in your head. The choruses may get stuck in there for a short time, but that’s mostly down to their constant repetition, which, when you’ve listened to a song for the third time, can get moderately frustrating, and is a pretty standard pop move when compared to their earlier rock pieces. Lead singer Keith Murray’s voice fits the music well, and his a somewhat impressive range, although it’s mostly in the higher regions of frequency, which some listeners may find slightly annoying and whiney. //8

Impression – While “Barbara” isn’t going to win any awards for originality or excellence, it’s certainly well worth a listen if you’re a fan of the band, or need to get some indie rock kicks. The opening and closing tracks definitely make up for a forgettable middle section, and even then it’s entirely possible to have it on in the background as you go about your daily business. It’s short and mostly forgettable, but “Barbara” shows that We Are Scientists are still capable of producing quality music. Even if some of it can be a little lame. //7

Fake Film Trailer – Brooding

I’m kinda running low on enthusiasm for the YATDSS script, but I think I just need more food and a clearer understanding of where it’s going. I’ll get back to it soon, don’t worry. It’ll be completed by the end of summer.

Anyway, I wanted to start drafting out ideas for the fake movie trailers I keep coming up with, and where better to put them than on my writing blog?

The initial idea for these fake trailers is to stick them on the beginning of my stupid comedy TV show idea that basically stems back from the Textbook Criminals short story I wrote (found here). I had this idea locked in a while back after watching too many Twilight films, although originally it was gonna be in the middle of the show during a scene where two characters go to the cinema, but if I’m gonna carry on with the idea, we can’t have characters going to the cinema every fucking episode.

On with the show!

BROODING

(opens with a shot of Rob Pattinson staring away from the camera, close up on his face, a blue sky behind him)

V.O: There is a man who feels emotions no other person can feel.

(cut to R-Patz sat on typical American bleachers, scribbling into a book. Two attractive girls are looking at him.)

GIRL ONE: Who is that guy?

(cut to soft focus shot of GIRL TWO, possibly with a romance face)

GIRL TWO: I have no idea…

(cut to R-Patz walking in a field)

V.O: No one can truly understand his feelings, or the pain he’s going through.

(cut to R-Patz and GIRL TWO sat by a fire, talking quietly)

R-PATZ: I could try and explain, but… (trails off)

(R-Patz stands up and walks off, GIRL TWO calls after him)

(cut to R-Patz sat in his bedroom playing guitar)

V.O: His soul is too deep to comprehend.

(cut to R-Patz and GIRL TWO walking down a road in a city at night)

R-PATZ: I don’t think… anyone, could understand me…

(cut to lots of long shots of fields and shit like that)

V.O: Critics call it the most emotional film of the year. Kristen Stewart said “I cried the whole way through.”

(cut to R-PATZ and GIRL TWO sitting on the bleachers together)

GIRL TWO: Do you think you could ever… love?

(R-Patz looks back with a painful look)

R-PATZ: I… I don’t know…

(cut to R-Patz in his room, reading a book)

V.O: Robert Pattinson is…

(title shot)

V.O: Brooding.

(standard credity stuff)

YATDSS – Mission 5 Briefing

(Star chart.)

CLAIRE: Alright, we’re about halfway to home and we’re hitting one of the most dangerous enemies yet. Space ninjas.

SCOTT: Permission to speak freely, Captain.

CLAIRE: Fuck off, Scott. Space ninjas are a serious threat.

PETER: Come on, this sounds fuckin’ stupid, even to me.

DAVE: No way dude, I heard about this guy, came out here by himself, got ripped to shreds before he even knew what hit him.

PETER: Well gee, thanks Science Officer Fuckface, that really inspires confidence.

KAEDE: I’ll fly if Dave doesn’t want to.

DAVE: Thanks brah. I have work to catch up anyway.

CLAIRE: You ever fly against space ninjas, Kaede?

KAEDE: -sigh- It was 2028. Space travel was still in it’s infancy. My father took me out to see the stars and-

PETER: Fuck’s sake kid, skip to the end.

KAEDE: Space ninjas killed my dad. I want revenge.

CLAIRE: Wow. Shit.

KAEDE: Yeah.

SCOTT: Okay, okay, so what makes these space ninjas so dangerous? I thought things were getting hairy with the space cowboys last time.

KAEDE: Space ninjas have painted their ships the same black as space. It makes them near impossible to see. The only way to know where they are is to look for the spaces where you see only black.

SCOTT: So it’s just like-

CLAIRE: (interrupting) If you’re about to make some smarmy racist comment I swear to God I’m gonna through you out the airlock.

SCOTT: And I thought you didn’t hate me?

CLAIRE: I’m like this with everyone Scott, Jesus. Alright, Dave, get back to the bridge. You three, get to your ships. I wanna get out of this place as soon as possible. Dismissed.

-END SCENE-

YATDSS – Mission 4 Transition

(Scott’s bedroom. Scott is lying on his bed reading a magazine. You can tell this because A MAGAZINE is written on the front of it. I don’t wanna get sued.)

SCOTT: (to himself) Oh those horny girls, they should really learn some patience…

(Kaede enters the room.)

KAEDE: Hey, Scott…-

SCOTT: (interrupting) THE WOMEN IN THIS MAGAZINE ARE VERY RESPECTABLE!

(Awkward silence.)

SCOTT: I mean, hey, Kaede.

KAEDE: Uh, hey. Reading anything good there?

SCOTT: Oh, this? (looking at the mag) I… I read it for the articles!

KAEDE: Oh? Anything of note?

SCOTT: Uh…

KAEDE: (laughing) I’m just screwing with ya. I have a stack of those things at home.

SCOTT: (bemused) And you… read them?

KAEDE: Oh yeah, all the time! I take them to bed with me most nights.

SCOTT: (looking between the mag and Kaede) So, uh, are you, like, uh…

KAEDE: What? (laughing) Oh, God no. No. Seriously? What made you even think that?

SCOTT: Well, uh, the Captain may have suggested it-

KAEDE: The Captain? Jeez. She told me you were gay.

SCOTT: What?

KAEDE: Oh yeah. I didn’t believe her though. Still don’t, by the way.

SCOTT: Oh thank God.

KAEDE: Heh. You know, you’re kinda cute Scott.

(Scott blushes, and Kaede giggles a little.)

KAEDE: Aw, you’re adorable!

SCOTT: Please! At least let me try to be manly!

KAEDE: (giggles) Sorry. I just… I dunno. I guess I’m really attracted to the cute guys.

SCOTT: Well, I guess it’s finally working in my… wait, what?

(Kaede moves in extremely close to Scott.)

KAEDE: I’ve seen you looking at me Scott. I know you’re interested in me. And if you don’t mind me being too forward, I’m very, VERY interested in you.

(Scott is now backed up against the wall, looked really freaked out. Kaede is slightly aggressively pushing herself up against him. It’s really, REALLY awkward.)

KAEDE: So, whaddya say? Ready to put your money where your mouth is?

SCOTT: (fumbling) I- uh- forgot my- uh- my- my- wallet…

KAEDE: How about I go ahead and help you out of your clothes?

SCOTT: Uh- yeah- that- uh- that would be- uh- nice (she starts to unbutton his pants) it- uh- sure is getting- uh- hot- in space…

KAEDE: Well, what do we have here? Looks like a… a p- pe- (screamed) PENIS!

(comic dust cloud as Kaede runs away and locks herself in his bathroom. Scott, still in shock, buttons up his pants.)

SCOTT: Are… are you ok?

KAEDE: (angrily) FINE. I’M FINE. AREN’T YOU FINE?

SCOTT: What the hell was that just then?

KAEDE: IT’S NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. COULD YOU LEAVE?

SCOTT: Whoah, this is my room.

KAEDE: I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT!

SCOTT: Fine, jeez.

(Scott gets the fuck out. The camera is facing a wall and Scott walks to the right, off screen.)

CLAIRE: (off screen) Scott! Captain’s quarters, now!

(Scott returns from off-screen and walks back the other way. He arrives in the captains quarters. Claire is sat at a desk.)

CLAIRE: Did Kaede just come on to you and attempt to take your pants off?

SCOTT: No! Not at all! We were, er, playing Twister!

CLAIRE: Then how come she ran screaming when she encountered your penis?

SCOTT: HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS?!

CLAIRE: I have camera’s in every room. Did you not know?

(Scott shakes his head, then bury’s it in his hands and mutters obscenities to himself.)

CLAIRE: Hey, listen, don’t worry about it. I knew this was gonna happen. I had a bet with Kaede.

SCOTT: WHAT?!

CLAIRE: Yeah. I read her psych profile and heard about her phallophobia.

SCOTT: Phallo what now?

CLAIRE: Fear of penises.

SCOTT: Oh.

CLAIRE: I bet her a thousand space dollars she couldn’t have sex with you without freaking out. Guess that makes me rich now.

SCOTT: Jesus, am I just amusement to you?

CLAIRE: What do you mean?

SCOTT: Oh, just everyone on this fucking ship lays into me all the fucking time! The only guy who doesn’t treat me like shit is Dave, and he’s probably too high to notice anything going on! All I did was one mistake, one TINY fucking mistake, and suddenly I’M the bad guy!

(Brief silence.)

CLAIRE: I don’t hate you. I just wanted some money.

SCOTT: Oh, just- fuckin’- UGH.

CLAIRE: Come on, let’s get to the meeting room. It’s time for briefing.

SCOTT: What now? Space samurai?

CLAIRE: Worse. Space ninjas.

-END SCENE-

YATDSS – Mission 4 (Space ‘Aint Big Enough For The Both Of Us)

(Game screen.)

CLAIRE: Alright boys, keep your eyes peeled.

PETER: At my age, that phrase is fuckin’ literal. I get these awful build ups of dead ski-

SCOTT: Oh-kay Pete, we get the idea.

PETER: Just wait ’til you’re 40 kid, there’s a whole load of shit going on you don’t wanna think about.

SCOTT: I planned on dying by 30 anyway, so no worries there.

CATTLE: Moooooo.

SCOTT: Dave? Was that you?

DAVE: What? No way dude. Are you even looking at your radar, bro?

SCOTT: I have a radar?

PETER: Aw shit, not fuckin’ space cattle.

SCOTT: You mean that circle thing with the cow heads moving quickly towards the centre?

(Space cattle fly across the screen.)

SCOTT: Ack!

CLAIRE: Great. Try not to shoot them people, we don’t want a stampede on our hands. Or a bovine massacre.

RALCOLM: Well howdy there, gentlemen!

SCOTT: Oh great, more stereotypes.

RALCOLM: Captain Ralcolm Menoylds at your service. Don’t be disturbin’ my space cattle now, or I’ll have to shoot you down.

SCOTT: Your name sounds familiar somehow.

RALCOLM: Well it should, I am the most famous cowboy in space!

SCOTT: No, it’s not that. You know, if you swap the first letters of your name around-

RALCOLM: Gorammit boy, don’t tell everyone! All Dragonfly class ships in the area, smoke these sons of bitches!

DAVE: Can’t have smoke in space, dude.

PETER: Jesus, ya fuckin’ hippie, let the guy be metaphorical.

SCOTT: So, Dave, any thoughts on the space cowboys?

DAVE: Nah bro. Space cattle from this side of the galaxy is apparently one of the finest in the infinite expanse that is our universe.

PETER: Can I at least kill one, just to try it?

SCOTT: Do whatever you like man, it’s none of my concern.

DAVE: Aw, shit dude, I’m surrounded by cattle and these cowboys won’t get off me.

SCOTT: I’m on my way.

(Flies to Dave.)

RALCOLM: So, Captain Voyant, I’ve heard a lot about you.

CLAIRE: Please Meynolds, this isn’t the time, or place, and I’m already taken.

SCOTT: What? Come on!

DAVE: Thanks brah.

(Flies back.)

RALCOLM: Trust me little lady, once you’ve tried these interplanetary good vibes, you’ll never wanna go back to Earth.

CLAIRE: You’re embarrassing yourself, Captain.

RALCOLM: I think I’d embarress the rest of your crew with the size of my-

SCOTT: OKAY, shut up. If I wanted to hear this I’d sit on a public webcam website for an hour.

PETER: Shit, kid, you go on those?

SCOTT: They can be funny sometimes, okay?!

RALCOLM: Gotta say I agree with you, kid.

SCOTT: Will everyone stop calling me kid? I’m 19 for fucks sake.

PETER: Yeah, well I heard that you’ve never fucked anyone.

SCOTT: Oh come on!

PETER: I mean Jesus, what are ya, gay? You’re 19 for fucks sake!

RALCOLM: Hoo-boy, that’s powerful embarrassing for ya brother.

(Ralcolms ship flies into view. It’s shaped like a giant horse.)

RALCOLM: Let’s do this kid, mano y mano.

(After being defeated.)

RALCOLM: Sheee-it.

CLAIRE: Come on Scott, let him go or blow him up. I’ve got things to do.

(Choose to blow him up.)

RALCOLM: Son of a- (explodes)

(Choose to leave him alone.)

RALCOLM: I won’t forget this, boy. I’ll see you again some day.

(After choosing.)

CLAIRE: Alright, everyone come on back. Mission complete.