(You know that scene at the end of like, every Star Wars film? Well, we’re ripping it off here too. Scott is on stage with Caitlin, Stacy and the commander, while the mayoress of the universe is talking to the crowd.)
MAYORESS: …And although many good lives were lost in the war, we must congratulate one man on his eternal loyalty, skill, and impressive pulling prowess.
MAN IN CROWD: Alec Baldwin?
MAYORESS: Captain Scott Blake, you have shown us all what a true hero really is. And so, we offer you the Key to the Universe. Go forth and do whatever the fuck you want.
SCOTT: It truly is an honour.
MAYORESS: Oh come on, wake up Blake. Wake up Blake. Wake up Blake.
(At this point the Mayoress’ face is directly in the centre of the camera, and we jump cut to Claire.)
CLAIRE: Navigator Blake, I order you to wake up, NOW!
SCOTT: (random waking up sounds) Alright, I’m awake, jeez. (he smiles at her) You know, I wouldn’t mind waking up to your face every morning.
CLAIRE: Flirt with me again, and I’ll make sure you never flirt again because of the severe beatings I will dish out on your body.
SCOTT: Man, your graphic descriptions are off today.
CLAIRE: Just wait until I’ve had my first cup of coffee, then try pissing me off.
(Scott starts getting up. He slept in his clothes and on top of the duvet.)
CLAIRE: You might want to get ready. We’re setting off in an hour. I think Dawyne’s making pancakes.
SCOTT: I’d be surprised if it wasn’t his mother’s recipe.
DWAYNE: (from afar) I heard you, white-bred!
SCOTT: (shouting back) Just kidding! You know I love you people!
DWAYNE: Get your white ass out here so I can beat it all over the ship!
(Scott laughs as Claire rolls her eyes and leaves. Wipe to the kitchen, where Peter is sat eating pancakes.)
PETER: You look like shit, kid. Grab a cup of Joe and some pancakes.
SCOTT: Wow, it’s like talking to my dad. Morning, Peter.
PETER: Mornin’. (pause as he eats pancakes) Mm, damn, these are some of the best pancakes I’ve had outside of Minnesota.
SCOTT: Is Minnesota famed for it’s pancakes?
PETER: How the fuck am I supposed to know? Do I look like I come from Minnesota?
CLAIRE: (from afar) He’s from England, Peter, leave him alone. And the both of you, get in here. It’s time for a rousing speech from our commander.
(Straight cut to the bridge. Scott and Peter walk in and find their seats.)
CLAIRE: Fifty bucks says this lasts more than half an hour.
PETER: I give him twenty.
KAEDE: I’ll keep it low, two minutes.
DAVE: Twelve minutes, forty-one seconds.
CLAIRE: Dwayne? Scott? You want in?
DWAYNE: No ma’am, I don’t gamble.
SCOTT: Like I have money.
(The main screen springs to life.)
COMMANDER: Alright pacifists, listen up. We all know you’re a bunch of fucking pussies, but that doesn’t mean that we’re going to let you get away with not killing at least a couple of those alien bastards. Let me tell you a thing or two about the way we do things in the space army…
(Fade to a screen saying “12 minutes and 2 seconds later…”, before fading back to the bridge. Everyone but Claire looks disinterested, Kaede is painting her nails, Scott is twiddling his thumbs, Peter is playing Solitaire, etc.)
COMMANDER: …And so we, as proud Americans, are gonna go out and win this war like we’ve won every war! Even if it does mean having to deal with fucking time-wasters like yourselves. Good luck gentlemen. Commander out.
(Main screen turns off.)
SCOTT: Did he just quote Transformers 2?
CLAIRE: Fuck, I think Dave got that one down perfectly.
DAVE: Nah, bro, I was out by like, two seconds.
PETER: Well that’s fifty bucks I’ll never fuckin’ see again.
DAVE: Don’t worry man, I don’t want payment.
CLAIRE: Alright, let’s get moving. Don’t wanna end up too far back. Scott, the co-ordinates of the rendezvous is on your desk, go ahead and punch them in while we do final checks.
SCOTT: Aye aye, Captain.
(He looks around his desk and finds the co-ordinates, but they’re handwritten and smudged to hell.)
SCOTT: Uh, Captain?
CLAIRE: Engines ready, Kaede?
KAEDE: Online and running fine, Captain.
CLAIRE: Dave, any anomalies coming up?
DAVE: Looks pretty good to me, dude.
SCOTT: No, really, Captain, a moment of your time…
CLAIRE: How’s communications looking, Peter?
PETER: So long as no one calls, we’re a-oh-fucking-kay, Cap’.
CLAIRE: Scott? I assume the co-ordinates are in?
SCOTT: One moment, Captain!
(He looks from the paper to the keyboard and back again, frantically.)
SCOTT: Oh fuck oh fuck what if I get it wrong oh God oh shit…
CLAIRE: Waiting on you now, Scott.
SCOTT: Just one minute, jesus!
(He takes a deep breath and an educated guess.)
SCOTT: Co-ordinates locked in Captain.
CLAIRE: Thank you. Alright, full steam ahead!
(Camera cuts to exterior. The ship moves forwards slightly, then blasts forwards at warp speed. It re-appears into what looks like more vast nothingness. Cut back to the bridge, where everyone waits patiently for a moment.)
PETER: Uh, where the fuck is everyone else?
SCOTT: Oh shit oh shit oh shit
CLAIRE: Scott, are you sure you got those co-ordinates right?
SCOTT: Uh, well, funny story Captain…
(Camera cuts back to the exterior. A caption appears saying “Oh wait, sound doesn’t travel in space. One sec.” Then the camera cuts back inside to the bridge. Claire is holding Scott by his neck, high off the ground.)
CLAIRE: You did WHAT?!