YATDSS – Mission 4 Briefing

Hey. You’re reading it backwards.

(Star chart!)

CLAIRE: Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, space cowboy territory.

PETER: Jesus, what’s next, fuckin’ space ninjas?

CLAIRE: I wouldn’t joke about that Peter, space ninjas are some of the deadliest enemies you could ever face.

SCOTT: Is there any reason why we can’t just fly around space cowboy territory?

CLAIRE: Yes, because I said so. Now, Scott, Peter and Dave, get to your ships and scout out the area. We’ll follow you in this time. We can’t waste any more time.

DAVE: Uh, yeah, about that. How come we have to get back to the fleet?

CLAIRE: I’m glad you asked. Two reasons, really. First off, if we don’t go back, we don’t get paid.

PETER: I’m sold.

CLAIRE: And secondly, if we spend too long away from the main fleet, it’s entirely possible we’ll be classed as deserters and remotely detonated.

KAEDE: You’re kidding, surely? I’ve been in the engine rooms for a couple of days now, and there’s no bombs in there.

CLAIRE: Nah, they’re too smart for that. The engine can be remotely overloaded, and the controls of the ship taken from us so we can’t even attempt to stop it.

SCOTT: But we’re pacifists! Surely they expect us to run away?

CLAIRE: I don’t question authority Scott, I just accept it. Now, run along. Those space cowboys need to be shot or avoided at some point today.

-END SCENE-

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YATDSS – Mission 3 Transition

(In the ship’s kitchen area. Dwayne is cooking something, while Scott and Kaede are chatting on the breakfast bar.)

SCOTT: And then he says to me, sorry friend, but that’s my kangaroo in your hot air balloon!

KAEDE: (laughs) (sighs) I don’t get it.

SCOTT: Yeah, no one does. So, uh, tell me about yourself.

KAEDE: What is there to tell? My dad owns Korg, my mom doesn’t work, I resent my family for reasons that can never really be explained. You know, the usual.

SCOTT: So how come you’re a pacifist?

KAEDE: Well there was this incident with an employee and a rabid chiuaua… I’d rather not go into it.

DWAYNE: God hates murderers. And chiuauas.

SCOTT: To be fair, God hates pretty much everything.

DWAYNE: He don’t hate me.

(Peter walks in.)

PETER: Well I fuckin’ do.

DWAYNE: This is cos of my heritage, ‘aint it?

PETER: No, I just think you’re a fuckin’ idiot.

KAEDE: Aw come on guys, can we not fight for just one minute?

PETER: Listen sweetcheeks, this may look like we hate each other, but we’re best buds really. Right Scott?

SCOTT: Fuck you, Peter.

PETER: Atta boy.

(Dwayne turns round to the group holding a plate filled with a whole variety of foods. Everyone eyes it up hungrily.)

DWAYNE: Oh, sorry, this is for those who love the Lord who created them.

(Dwayne leaves.)

PETER: Suck my dick, ya pussy! Can’t even fly a fuckin’ fighter, too busy in the kitchen!

KAEDE: Lemmie guess, that’s where I’m supposed to be?

PETER: What? Fuck no. I can’t stand Chinese food.

KAEDE: I’m Japanese, you intolerant fuck.

SCOTT: OK, everyone just calm down.

PETER: Don’t worry about it kid, I was just leaving.

(Peter leaves.)

SCOTT: Soo…

KAEDE: Yeah…

SCOTT: Can I interest you in the casual sex on my bed plan?

KAEDE: Seriously? You’re trying that again?

SCOTT: You can’t keep a good man down.

KAEDE: When was that last time you actually had sex?

SCOTT: Please, I don’t have sex, I make love.

KAEDE: OK, when was the last time you “made love” (she uses airquotes when speaking)

SCOTT: Uh, never.

KAEDE: (laughing) What, seriously? You’re 19 years old and you’ve never got laid?

SCOTT: Hey, shut up! There are many people my age who are virgins.

(Dave walks past.)

DAVE: I aint one of them, bro.

SCOTT: You’re 19? For fucks sake, is there nothing you aren’t?

DAVE: Dude, just chill.

KAEDE: Did it every occur to you that he could just be saying all this stuff, and that none of it’s real?

(Scott looks at her blankly.)

KAEDE: Never mind. I’m going to bed.

SCOTT: Mind if I-

KAEDE: Yes, yes I do.

SCOTT: Worth a shot!

(Claire walks in.)

CLAIRE: Not really. She’s totally lesbian.

SCOTT: What, really?

CLAIRE: Oh yeah, definitely. Have you seen the way she walks? And those practical shoes? Jesus, it’d only be more obvious if she grew a beard and started hitting on me.

SCOTT: Lesbians have beards?

CLAIRE: Huge ones.

SCOTT: Fuck. I knew those videos had to be fake somehow.

CLAIRE: You really are a gullible prick, you know?

SCOTT: Fuck you.

CLAIRE: Hey, that’s no way to speak to your captain!

SCOTT: Sorry. Fuck you, captain.

(Claire glares at him, then sighs.)

CLAIRE: You know, I don’t hate you or anything for sending us the wrong way. It’s kinda nice actually. I hate having to repair my ship.

SCOTT: If you hadn’t noticed, we did come into contact with some space pirates.

CLAIRE: You think that’s bad? We’re about to head into space cowboy territory.

SCOTT: You’re kidding, right?

CLAIRE: Get everyone together in the briefing room in five minutes. We’re almost there.

(She gets up and walks off.)

SCOTT: Space cowboys? You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me!

-END SCENE-

YATDSS – Mission 3 (Space-Lubbers)

(Game screen. Stage directions are important happenings.)

CLAIRE: Remember kids, there could be anything out there. Keep your eyes open.

PETER: Yeah, come on Scott, try opening your eyes for once, instead of just fuckin’ mashin’ the keys.

SCOTT: Peter, will you please just shut the fuck up?

DAVE: Guys, come on, chill. Everyone makes mistakes.

SCOTT: Thank you, Dave.

DAVE: Although this one is really fucking stupid.

SCOTT: Fuck you, Dave.

CLAIRE: Stop bickering. Jesus, just get over it. At least now we don’t have to fight anything for a while.

SCOTT: Yeah, are we pacifists because we don’t actually want to kill other people, or because our equipment’s too shit to deal with anyone?

CLAIRE: You’re already up shit creek Scott, I’d advise you to keep your smarmy comments to yourself. Now, everyone make sure you can still spin 90 degrees. You could get attacked from anywhere.

PETER: Shit, I can’t turn. Fuckin’ tin can.

CLAIRE: Don’t worry Peter, I’ll get Kaede to fix it remote-

PETER: Oh shit, there’s ships all over me!

CLAIRE: Someone get over there and help him out!

(Scott flies to Peter’s location. It’s clear.)

PETER: Dumbfuck.

SCOTT: I hate you, Peter.

PETER: I wasn’t kiddin’ about the broken ship though.

(A ship flies by underneath at high speed.)

SCOTT: Shit, what was that?

PETER: Oh fuck, I think that was-

COMPUTER: Looks like everyone’s being hailed, Captain!

CLAIRE: Main screen turn on!

SCOTT: Seriously? Are you trying to get us sued?

SPACE PIRATE ROBERTS: Yarrr, avast, ye land-lubbers!

PETER: Fuckin’ space pirates!

DAVE: What? Aww man.

ROBERTS: Soo, ya think you can just sail into our seas, do ya?

CLAIRE: Actually, Mr Pirate, our Navigator fucked up something horrendous.

ROBERTS: Be that as it may, lassie, this is our sky!

SCOTT: OK, now you’ve used every wrong adjective.

ROBERTS: You dare call me, the dreaded Space Pirate Roberts, out on my linguistic imagery? Men, attack!

(Enemies appear.)

PETER: Oh shit, they’re all around us!

SCOTT: Don’t worry, I’ll deal with them. Somehow.

PETER: Looks like this piece of shit is working again. Uh, thanks for the help Scott.

SCOTT: No problem.

(Scott flies back to his flight-path.)

DAVE: So dudes, I’ve been thinking.

SCOTT: You are the Science Officer, I’d be worried if you didn’t.

DAVE: And I’m wondering, why are there space pirates out here on the other side of the galaxy? Surely no dudes ever fly out here.

ROBERTS: Yarrr, the taxes be cheaper the further we are from Earth!

SCOTT: You pay taxes?

ROBERTS: Trust me laddie, you’ve gotta pay a whole lot of dubloons to be a pirate in space.

PETER: This is just fuckin’ stupid.

ROBERTS: I don’t make the rules, lads! I’m just a law abiding pirate!

SCOTT: Oh the irony.

DAVE: Bro, what?

SCOTT: Sorry, wrong crowd.

(Space Pirate Roberts appears in a galleon shaped battleship.)

ROBERTS: Yarr, you know what they say laddie, sometimes you’ve just got to do things yourself!

SCOTT: Hey, how do I survive this but still get away with being against war?

CLAIRE: I don’t think you can. Try just shooting him until he’s on his knees, then you can let him get away. Or finish him off. It’s up to you.

(After being defeated.)

ROBERTS: Yarr, me laddie. Let a salty old sea dog have another day, eh?

(Choose to blow him up.)

ROBERTS: I’ll haunt you from the grave, you bastard! (explodes)

(Choose to let him go.)

ROBERTS: Why thank you, laddie. You’re not a bad kid, you know. I’ll see you again someday, I hope.

(After choosing.)

CLAIRE: Anchors aweigh boys, let’s bring it on home. Missi0n complete.

-END SCENE-

YATDSS – Mission 3 Briefing

(Star chart.)

CLAIRE: -sigh- Alright, since Captain Dickweed over here entered the wrong co-ordinates-

SCOTT: (interrupting) I’ve been promoted?

CLAIRE: Don’t push me, Blake. Since we’re lost, we’re going to have to do some recon on our location. The ship’s computer has worked out that we’re here (US appears at the bottom right of the star chart) and we need to be over here (FLEET appears at the top left).

PETER: Jesus, you coulda put us a little fuckin’ closer, kid.

SCOTT: Do you wanna try being the Navigator sometime, Peter?

PETER: I think I’d do a better job than your shitty idea of Navigation, you little prick.

CLAIRE: Everybody just chill the fuck out. We need to investigate the local area before we head out, since the main ship only has one gun, and we don’t have any ammo for it.

KAEDE: Then what’s the point in having the gun?

CLAIRE: It’s standard issue! We’re pacifists, remember? Don’t start wanting to wage a war, or else I’ll make sure you get moved to the front line!

PETER: I thought that’s where we were headed anyway, after this major fuck up.

SCOTT: The numbers were smudged! I tried to tell you but no one would shut the fuck up!

CLAIRE: I’m getting the same scenario right here, Scott. Now, you, Peter and Dave are gonna take a fighter each and recon the area. If it’s all clear, we’ll head out. If not, engage the enemy and make sure we’re able to move out. Got that?

SCOTT: I thought we were pacifists?

CLAIRE: Well let them fly by then! Jesus, it isn’t fucking difficult Scott.

PETER: Yeah, it’s like reading some numbers off a scrap of paper.

SCOTT: Fuck you Peter!

CLAIRE: Briefing over. Get to your ships NOW.

-END SCENE-


YATDSS – Mission 2 Transition

(You know that scene at the end of like, every Star Wars film? Well, we’re ripping it off here too. Scott is on stage with Caitlin, Stacy and the commander, while the mayoress of the universe is talking to the crowd.)

MAYORESS: …And although many good lives were lost in the war, we must congratulate one man on his eternal loyalty, skill, and impressive pulling prowess.

MAN IN CROWD: Alec Baldwin?

MAYORESS: Captain Scott Blake, you have shown us all what a true hero really is. And so, we offer you the Key to the Universe. Go forth and do whatever the fuck you want.

SCOTT: It truly is an honour.

MAYORESS: Oh come on, wake up Blake. Wake up Blake. Wake up Blake.

(At this point the Mayoress’ face is directly in the centre of the camera, and we jump cut to Claire.)

CLAIRE: Navigator Blake, I order you to wake up, NOW!

SCOTT: (random waking up sounds) Alright, I’m awake, jeez. (he smiles at her) You know, I wouldn’t mind waking up to your face every morning.

CLAIRE: Flirt with me again, and I’ll make sure you never flirt again because of the severe beatings I will dish out on your body.

SCOTT: Man, your graphic descriptions are off today.

CLAIRE: Just wait until I’ve had my first cup of coffee, then try pissing me off.

(Scott starts getting up. He slept in his clothes and on top of the duvet.)

CLAIRE: You might want to get ready. We’re setting off in an hour. I think Dawyne’s making pancakes.

SCOTT: I’d be surprised if it wasn’t his mother’s recipe.

DWAYNE: (from afar) I heard you, white-bred!

SCOTT: (shouting back) Just kidding! You know I love you people!

DWAYNE: Get your white ass out here so I can beat it all over the ship!

(Scott laughs as Claire rolls her eyes and leaves. Wipe to the kitchen, where Peter is sat eating pancakes.)

PETER: You look like shit, kid. Grab a cup of Joe and some pancakes.

SCOTT: Wow, it’s like talking to my dad. Morning, Peter.

PETER: Mornin’. (pause as he eats pancakes) Mm, damn, these are some of the best pancakes I’ve had outside of Minnesota.

SCOTT: Is Minnesota famed for it’s pancakes?

PETER: How the fuck am I supposed to know? Do I look like I come from Minnesota?

CLAIRE: (from afar) He’s from England, Peter, leave him alone. And the both of you, get in here. It’s time for a rousing speech from our commander.

(Straight cut to the bridge. Scott and Peter walk in and find their seats.)

CLAIRE: Fifty bucks says this lasts more than half an hour.

PETER: I give him twenty.

KAEDE: I’ll keep it low, two minutes.

DAVE: Twelve minutes, forty-one seconds.

CLAIRE: Dwayne? Scott? You want in?

DWAYNE: No ma’am, I don’t gamble.

SCOTT: Like I have money.

(The main screen springs to life.)

COMMANDER: Alright pacifists, listen up. We all know you’re a bunch of fucking pussies, but that doesn’t mean that we’re going to let you get away with not killing at least a couple of those alien bastards. Let me tell you a thing or two about the way we do things in the space army…

(Fade to a screen saying “12 minutes and 2 seconds later…”, before fading back to the bridge. Everyone but Claire looks disinterested, Kaede is painting her nails, Scott is twiddling his thumbs, Peter is playing Solitaire, etc.)

COMMANDER: …And so we, as proud Americans, are gonna go out and win this war like we’ve won every war! Even if it does mean having to deal with fucking time-wasters like yourselves. Good luck gentlemen. Commander out.

(Main screen turns off.)

SCOTT: Did he just quote Transformers 2?

CLAIRE: Fuck, I think Dave got that one down perfectly.

DAVE: Nah, bro, I was out by like, two seconds.

PETER: Well that’s fifty bucks I’ll never fuckin’ see again.

DAVE: Don’t worry man, I don’t want payment.

CLAIRE: Alright, let’s get moving. Don’t wanna end up too far back. Scott, the co-ordinates of the rendezvous is on your desk, go ahead and punch them in while we do final checks.

SCOTT: Aye aye, Captain.

(He looks around his desk and finds the co-ordinates, but they’re handwritten and smudged to hell.)

SCOTT: Uh, Captain?

CLAIRE: Engines ready, Kaede?

KAEDE: Online and running fine, Captain.

CLAIRE: Dave, any anomalies coming up?

DAVE: Looks pretty good to me, dude.

SCOTT: No, really, Captain, a moment of your time…

CLAIRE: How’s communications looking, Peter?

PETER: So long as no one calls, we’re a-oh-fucking-kay, Cap’.

CLAIRE: Scott? I assume the co-ordinates are in?

SCOTT: One moment, Captain!

(He looks from the paper to the keyboard and back again, frantically.)

SCOTT: Oh fuck oh fuck what if I get it wrong oh God oh shit…

CLAIRE: Waiting on you now, Scott.

SCOTT: Just one minute, jesus!

(He takes a deep breath and an educated guess.)

SCOTT: Co-ordinates locked in Captain.

CLAIRE: Thank you. Alright, full steam ahead!

(Camera cuts to exterior. The ship moves forwards slightly, then blasts forwards at warp speed. It re-appears into what looks like more vast nothingness. Cut back to the bridge, where everyone waits patiently for a moment.)

PETER: Uh, where the fuck is everyone else?

SCOTT: Oh shit oh shit oh shit

CLAIRE: Scott, are you sure you got those co-ordinates right?

SCOTT: Uh, well, funny story Captain…

(Camera cuts back to the exterior. A caption appears saying “Oh wait, sound doesn’t travel in space. One sec.” Then the camera cuts back inside to the bridge. Claire is holding Scott by his neck, high off the ground.)

CLAIRE: You did WHAT?!

-END SCENE-


YATDSS – Mission 2 (Psht, In Your Dreams)

(Game screen. Stage notes will be used for important goings-on. Assume pauses between speech.)

SCOTT: Alright team, fly straight, fly true, and shoot some alien scum!

STACY: Right on, Scott!

CAITLIN: We can so totally do this!

STACY: Caitlin, I just wanna say, I hope what happened last night doesn’t make things weird between us. I still treasure you as a friend.

CAITLIN: Aw, don’t worry about it Stace! I felt it brought us closer together as friends.

SCOTT: Ladies, please, I was there, and you guys couldn’t have got closer as friends.

(The girls giggle.)

CAITLIN: Oh, Scott, I can’t believe you talked us into a three-some with you!

STACY: Oh, I can. (giggle)

CAITLIN: You dirty bitch, Stacy! (giggle)

SCOTT: Ladies, please, we have a mission on our hands.

STACY: Good point, Captain. And why yes, I believe that IS a euphemism.

(NB: This IS a dream sequence after all.)

SCOTT: Looks like we’re about halfway to the mothership. You girls OK?

CAITLIN: Actually, I could do with a little help Captain.

SCOTT: Oh?

CAITLIN: This button on my pants is awful tight, and I can’t take it off while I’m flying the ship…

SCOTT: Caitlin, please! The Commander is listening to everything we say!

COMMANDER: Don’t worry son, that’s some mighty fine tail you’ve snagged there!

STACY: Oh Commander, you’re making me blush!

COMMANDER: Blake, when you return to base, you’ll be awarded the highest medal we have. We need more men like you. You work hard, and hot DAMN do you play hard!

SCOTT: Just doing my job, sir.

COMMANDER: Nonsense son, you’re acting above and beyond the call of duty! As an added bonus, every alien sonuvabitch you kill from here on nets you a million dollars!

SCOTT: Wow, I’m gonna be rich!

COMMANDER: And universally loved too! I hear they’re throwing a “We Love Scott Blake” party in every country all over the whole fuckin’ world!

SCOTT: Wow, this really is the best day ever!

STACY: Blow up that mothership Scott, and me and Caitlin will make it even better. (giggle)

SCOTT: Alright, I’m going in!

(The mothership arrives.)

SCOTT: Eat my laser, you fuck!

MOTHERSHIP: (in a giant booming voice) OH FUCK, IT’S SCOTT BLAKE! EVERYONE RETREAT!

(The mothership leaves, along with the entire alien army.)

COMMANDER: Holy shit, Blake, it looks like your reputation precedes you even with those green bastards! Mission complete!

(MISSION COMPLETE appears on screen)

-END SCENE-

YATDSS – Mission 2 Briefing

(As much as I love setting the scene, every mission briefing has the same theme to it – a star chart that comes up with information that is key to the mission. From now on, the scene setting will simply be “Mission Briefing”.)

COMMANDER: Everyone paying attention? Good. Intel has discovered the main fleet of The Bad Guys, mothership and all.

(THE BAD GUYS and MOTHERSHIP appear on screen.)

COMMANDER: You boys are the best of the best, the most elite pilots we have out there. You will be our first line of attack and our last line of defence. If those green bastards defeat us, God help us all.

(There is a general mutter of agreement around the room.)

COMMANDER: Jenkins, you’ll be heading up C squad. You’re gonna take a fleet and attack those damn aliens from behind. Understood?

(While he is saying this, C SQUAD appears above THE BAD GUYS.)

COMMANDER: Blueberry, you’re in charge of B squad. You’ll be flanking those sons of bitches on the left. Try and co-ordinate your attack with D squad. They’re not quite in the same league as you boys, but they’re the best of the rest.

BLUEBERRY: No offense sir, but those boys are fuckin’ useless.

COMMANDER: None taken Blueberry, I agree with ya.

(Macho laughter.)

COMMANDER: And finally, Captain Blake, you will be heading up the most elite squad of all our eliteness. Squad A will be attacking the enemy right in the face. It’s gonna be hairy, son, but I believe in you.

SCOTT: I’ve cheated death a dozen times sir, I can do it a few more.

COMMANDER: I hear you son. Now, get your men together, and let’s go win us a fuckin’ war!

CROWD: HOORAH!

-END SCENE-